Today, I’m helping out my sister, who runs an online support group as well as the website https://escapinginsanity.org/ for victims of those who have Narcissistic Personality Disorder…I’m coming out as a former victim, and by doing so I hope to spread awareness.

What is a narcissist, you ask? The Mayo Clinic definition reads “a mental condition in which people have an inflated sense of their own importance, a deep need for excessive attention and admiration, troubled relationships, and a lack of empathy for others.” It then goes on to say this is due to their low self-esteem or some other heart-tugging thing that almost makes you feel bad for them.

I’m going to apologize right now—for me, there’s no way to put a pretty face on this disorder. I’ve had experience with several narcs in my life (two of them romantic relationships), and I can tell you they are nothing more than abusers. I’ve gone through it, I’ve seen my friends go through it, I’ve seen my family go through it. Part of why I’m sharing this is to open people’s eyes. I know enough that if I even smell narc behavior I run, so there hasn’t been a narc–friend, romantic interest, boyfriend of a friend or otherwise–that’s been able to get a foothold in my life in sixteen years.

I want to give others that same opportunity.

If someone in your life does these nine patterns of behavior (my sister and I call them The Nasty Nine), then this person is likely a narcissist, and you may need to seek professional help:

LOVE BOMBS: Showers you with gifts or attention so you forgive and forget the negatives.

CHARMS: To others, this person is amazing. They never show their true colors unless they are alone with you. The main goal, here, is so that if you complain to your friends or try to seek help, your friends might think you’re the one who has the problem, because they simply can’t imagine this person doing what you say he or she has done.

GASLIGHTS: Twists your words or insists that you “misunderstood”—even when you present them with solid proof. For example, if you know you wore a red sweater to a party, they will tell you over and over again, if it serves their purpose, that it was a blue sweater until you actually question what it is you wore. Eventually, you will start to lose grip on what’s really the truth, and that’s what they want, so that they can further convince you that you are the crazy one.

BERATES: Demeans, belittles, humiliates, and embarrasses you in front of others (for example, your mother, if she is a narc, might say, “I don’t know why she chose that dress to wear–the one she had on last week hid her big stomach”); sometimes, the person is just cruel to you when the two of you are alone (example: “you should really lay off that wine—you’re getting fat”).

CONTROLS: Attempts to control your time, money, clothes, what you eat, what you watch, even other people in your life, such as your children.

BLAMES: Everything is someone else’s fault. They never take responsibility for their own actions. In addition, this person isn’t crazy, everyone else is—for example: he’ll tell you his three ex-girlfriends all dumped him because they were crazy bitches, and it was awful for him because he was a victim.

ISOLATES: Tries to keep you from spending time with your friends and loved ones. They are also insanely jealous–sometimes, even, of people in your past that aren’t in your life anymore if you talk about them too much.

GHOSTS: Suddenly disappears; doesn’t respond to texts, emails, or phone calls. When the person finally does contact you, there’s a boatload of bullshit excuses. Or anger that you even questioned it.

HOOVERS: When you set a boundary or try to break up, they return to love bombing to get you back, and they won’t stop until you’re back in their clutches. I have heard of houses being bought for victims.

These are the basics. There are plenty of other inacceptable social behaviors as well (let’s not even discuss how screwed up Triangulation is).

This list might seem tame, but the fact is, behaviors can and often do escalate into physical abuse and violence, depending upon the individual. In 2003, for example, I was trapped in a car with one–my boyfriend at the time–on a white-knuckle 13-hour drive, and I was told that if I dared to speak I was going to get dumped on the side of the road. He wouldn’t even pull over to let me use the bathroom. I was told that I deserved all of this, of course, because I was being selfish and wanted to put my suitcase in the back seat instead of the trunk.

I was lucky. I’d been putting up with his verbal and emotional abuse for almost two years, and was completely brainwashed: he’d isolated me, constantly made me feel inferior and self-conscious, ghosted me countless times, lied to me and when I called him on it would tell me I was crazy, and when I got mad and said “f-off,” he’d shower me with stuff and be awesome for two weeks so I’d forgive him.  He’d only say kind and complimentary things if he wanted me to do something for him, otherwise, he would frequently call me hairy, fat, smelly, or whatever other bug was up his ass that day. It was an endless cycle. I thought it was normal, because it happened over time. If he hadn’t gotten violent, I might never have escaped.

I have heard stories much, much worse than my own.

Although the easiest way to be victimized by these individuals is through a romantic relationship—love is a powerful force and can be used for evil as well as good (and dating websites are overrun with them, because there’s always a fresh supply of victims, and it’s easy for a narc to hide his true colors online)—that is certainly not the only type of relationship in which a narc can function in your life. Your parents can be narcs. Your boss/coworkers. Your siblings. Even a friend or two.

Narcs are also not gender-specific.

It’s important to learn to identify these individuals, and to avoid them. They are a type of sociopath; they do not care about anyone else’s feelings and have no empathy for anyone. Once they tornado through your life, you’re going to have one hell of mess to clean up, and repairing the damage can take years.

If you have questions or want to do more research, The Narcissistic Life, which educates the public, is here: https://thenarcissisticlife.com/

If you are the victim of a narc, think you might be, know someone who is being victimized or you were in the past and you’re still not over it, you can reach out to me and I will connect you with my sister and her group, or you can visit https://escapinginsanity.org/. For the next five days, you can buy a T-shirt to help spread awareness here: https://teespring.com/wear-narcissistic-abuse-awaren#pid=2&cid=2122&sid=back

Yes, you can heal; yes, you can recover; yes, you can move on and have healthy, loving relationships with non-narcs. All you have to do is reach out for help.

There are many people suffering because they don’t realize they’re trapped in something unhealthy. It’s time for them to know they don’t have to shed any more tears.

It’s time to escape the insanity.